"Welcome to The Pure D Redneck contributed Jokes Edition !"
Where Laughter is as close as your funny bone !
Hiddy....Ho, Ya'll !

If you have a favorite "Redneck" joke you'd like to share,

feel free to email it on my "Redneck Hotline HERE.

Perhaps it will show up on a "Redneck's Jokes" page some day !

Credit to Arthers Unknown !
REDNECK CONTRIBUTED JOKES

  • AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:


  • 1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

  • 2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

  • 3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

  • 4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

  • 5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

  • 6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

  • 7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.



  • THOUGHT for the day:



  • SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

____________________________

REDNECK BIRTH !!!

In the back woods of Tennessee, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the country doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here you hold this lantern high so I can see what I am doing.”

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. “Whoa, there,” said the doctor, “Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming.” Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

“Hold that lantern up. Don't set it down there's another one!” said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered another baby girl.

“No, no don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!” cried the doctor.


The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,
“Hey, Doc? Do you reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?”


Nuttin says true luv
like a redneck wedding pitchur!


July submission by a redneck fan..
Besides vowing to love, honor, and obey, is
keep the cold beer coming !!
Feel free to use on yor homestead.


Serving up more jokes for Kindergartners!
In Wisconsin. This actually happened.
They dressed the truck up with the guy tied down on the roof.
The driver and passengers put on Moose heads.
Then they went down the Interstate, causing 16 accidents.
Yes; they went to jail...
Yes; alcohol was involved...
This proves that redneck men cannot be left alone.


Redneck U-Haul, courtsey of "People of Walmart" !
Redneck Mailbox
Redneck Pepper Spray (with windex nozzle)
Redneck Christmas Sleigh
Redneck Swing
Most used answer!

By Redneck Wives to "Bet I can fix that" !

The most interesting man in the world-Jonathon Goldsmith !

Courtesy of Buddybux !

Courtesy of Buddybux
Redneck Ettiquette

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4.. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.


ENTERTAINING 20 IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never beanything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.


PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend
to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to
go out with you since I read that stuff on the restroom wall two years ago
' 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the
answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as,
'Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance..
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.


DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can,
it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.


TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records
Details to follow later. You're Redneck Hotline Coordinator !

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